Sonya - My Beautiful Friend

Jacob reminds me so much of Kevin that I literally make myself sick thinking about it. Jacob, though, is far more...alive.

But both of them are made of energy. It buzzes through Jacob's veins like an electric current, a lightning storm, and I can barely keep up with him. Maybe I don't want to. If I went along for the ride, I might be pulled in way over my head. It's more fun anyway to know that he's soaring. Better yet -- with God, he won't crash.

...well...figuratively, anyway.

I keep replaying the motorcycle wreck over and over in my mind -- if Kevin hadn't given me his helmet, I'd be dead. Seems like a small price to pay just to have him alive and on this earth helping others who desperately need him.

Jacob is tall, too, but not in the same intimidating way that Kevin towered over people. In his defense, the mohawk did add several inches and the piercings and tattoos made him look only slightly unapproachable. And while I can still remember Kevin's bright green eyes, I sometimes find myself a little too drawn in to Jacob's gaze.

That same energy that races through his veins at the speed of light bounces around in his eyes. Blue -- like the hottest part of a flame. He is on fire from the inside out for God.

I envy him.

Kevin made it look easy. Jacob makes it look downright simple. And I know they've both said it's the most difficult thing I'll ever do in my life, but it's like when you watch a ballet recital. All that poetic grace -- how do they move so fluidly? Like they were born knowing how?

It makes me feel so weak. Not to mention stupid.

With Kevin gone, I look up to Jacob a lot. Sometimes I get worried that maybe my thoughts about Jacob are straying over the friend boundary. I've decided that even if they are, it doesn't matter -- I just admire the qualities that are so like Kevin that it makes my heart ache.

Or maybe I'm in denial.

But that's neither here nor there -- I am...well, me. Sonya Fairchild. A woman who doesn't deserve someone so grounded, so stable, so...up.

Just like I didn't deserve Kevin, who wasn't as pulled-together as he seemed.

And just look at how God tore him away from me -- right out of my fingertips like a cat toying with a mouse.

God may be love, but He's also cruel.

Hence the term 'love hurts.'

And I'm not so stupid that I don't know it's comments like that which continually widen the gap between God and myself. I can't seem to stop myself from still being angry at Him for Kevin's death. But maybe that's okay. After all, people keep telling me He can take it.

I'd just like Him to throw some punches back at me. No pun intended, but God knows I deserve a few. Maybe it'd knock some sense into me. Better yet, a healthy dose of fear never hurt anyone.

Everything Jacob does from the way he talks to the way he enjoys himself in his free time is dedicated to the one deity I can't bring myself to fully trust because He's hurt and let me down so many times before. I don't want to go through all of that again, especially now that I find myself loving Him so much.

I wish that my faith would come as easily as his, and I know it's something I need to work at more. I'm trying so hard but yet...if I'm not walking backwards, I'm running in place.

No matter how hard I race forward, I can't seem to meet Jacob in those heights he soars in.