I don't think of others as going to hell and there is no one I'd want to go to hell.

Sure, I've picked a faith for myself but that gives me no more of an advantage than it does anyone else.

So, I don't judge, because in the end it could be someone I jusged in heaven and me in the pit.

--
I'm too busy lifting weights and being demeaning to women to be gay.

You're... a Christain now?

--
Please ignore the boy behind the curtain.

~KabieBaby- check it out!
^{she made me do that...}

I got saved on September 18. <3

--
"Be a lion not a kitten." -Thomas Cameron

Pain and beauty go hand-in-hand.
_{Pandora's Box} [link]

Yesss! That is freaking wonderful!

--
Please ignore the boy behind the curtain.

~KabieBaby- check it out!
^{she made me do that...}

n_n! Heehee, thank you!

--
"Be a lion not a kitten." -Thomas Cameron

Pain and beauty go hand-in-hand.
_{Pandora's Box} [link]

Just wondering... Have you heard any Casting Crowns?

--
Please ignore the boy behind the curtain.

~KabieBaby- check it out!
^{she made me do that...}

Love them. Even before I was saved.

--
"Be a lion not a kitten." -Thomas Cameron

Pain and beauty go hand-in-hand.
_{Pandora's Box} [link]

Ha! So now you know who my good buddy Mark Hall is!

--
Please ignore the boy behind the curtain.

~KabieBaby- check it out!
^{she made me do that...}

Congrats on second place!

Sorry it took a few days longer. I will blame that one on the muse. She kidnapped me and made me type stuff. It was tough to choose what to crit. I was sorely tempted on critting your Snape piece.

I do my crits as I’ve learned in my crit groups. Copy/Edit style. Suggestions/Questions are in caps. I’ll leave my overall opinion at the end.

I don’t use the system either. Long story...

~~~

“Don’t ask me to say you’re going to hell[,”...WRONG PUNCTUATION. SHOULD BE A PERIOD. THIS ISN’T A TAG.] I don’t even like thinking about that possibility.

[NEW PARAGRAPH][But Gina doesn’t seem concerned at all...REPETETIVE AND TELLING. BY SAYING LATER WHAT SHE SOUNDS LIKE, IT CAN BE ASSUMED SHE DOESN’T SEEM CONCERNED.] For anyone who might [just...UNNEEDED WORD] be listening to the tone[DELETEs] of our voices but not what we’re saying, we could be discussing the weather. While I sound like Eeyore, she sounds like Tigger. Her comments bounce around my head and make me dizzy.

“We won’t talk about it until you’re stronger in your faith[.”...THIS IS A TAG. SHOULD BE A COMMA.] she says this as if it’s going to make me feel better.

In my fingers I’m turning the cross [DELthat hangs] [HANGING] on a chain around my neck. I bought it the day I was saved[.] [DEL--] I’d been looking for one for months and when I saw it at the shop, [the only one there...UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT THE CROSS WAS THE ONLY ONE AT THE SHOP, THIS CAN BE DITCHED BECAUSE IT COULD BE READ THAT THE SHOP WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE. CONFUSING. IF IT IS IMPORTANT, MAYBE REWORD?], I had to buy it. Gina [had...UNNEEDED SINCE YOU GO ON TO CLARIFY THAT THIS ACTION IS IN THE PAST] let me borrow a book back when we’d [still...UNNEEDED WORD] been in school together and there was a woman with boobs large enough to rival my own [that wore a golden cross...AGAIN, WATCH YOUR WORDING. THIS SENTENCE READS LIKE THE WOMAN’S BOOBS WERE WEARING THE CROSS. AND WHAT WAS UP WITH THE GINA BORROWING HER BOOKS THING. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT PART HAD TO DO WITH THE JUGGY WOMAN. WHERE WAS THIS BIG BREASTED WOMAN?] It never failed that the cross somehow got lost in the depths of her endowment. I’d discovered since having my own that it was hard to keep it from happening.

Now that Gina seems more intent on other things[WHAT OTHER THINGS?], it’s obvious the conversation is over. I look down to study the detailing on the little charm [in between my fingers...IT’S A NECKLACE THOUGH, RIGHT? WHY ISN’T IT ON HER NECK. OR DID SHE TAKE IT OFF?] Honestly, I think the necklace [I bought...UNNEEDED. WE KNOW SHE BOUGHT IT.] is more for a Catholic girl but I’m loathe to stop wearing it. Just different denominations, right? It still holds too much meaning for me to give away. I’ve worn it every day [thatUNNEEDED. WATCH YOUR USE OF THIS WORD.] I leave the house. Even though I don’t understand everything, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

Kevin would be happy. I smile a little. I can be with [Kevin...OKAY TO USE THE PRONOUN HIM. KEVIN AND HEAVEN SOUND TOO SIMILAR TO USE SO CLOSE TOGETHER] in heaven, now.

[NEW PARA]I glance up at Gina, smiling to herself and humming a Tori Amos song, and my heart aches. I don’t want to say[,] or even think[,] [that...UNNEEDED] she’s going to hell, but if I say I’m a Christian then isn’t that exactly what that means?

I’d rather spend eternity in hell for her to be in heaven if that’s what it took, but I don’t think God takes trades of that sort. Who knows -- I’m still learning. Perhaps he’d admire it[, OR PERIOD] or maybe he’d despise it. I can’t help [that] I love her [that] much.

~~~

Nice! A short little piece, but it shows how torn we can be with our faith when dealing with someone who doesn’t believe or has different beliefs.

Most of what I critted on is A.) on wordiness. Chopping some words out/rewording can make the reader stumble less on what you’re trying to say. It flows nicer. Try reading your work aloud. It helps.

B.) Clarification. The way you worded some of your sentences, some of what you were trying to say, namely in description, was hazy. Reword or even shorten sentences to make it easier. Don’t try to fit too much into one sentence.

Other than that, I enjoyed this piece. Most of this is opinion only. Take what you need from this, toss the rest. This is your baby.

Keep up the good work!
KM

--
<sub>~Pararoms and romanticas~

Co-founder of #Genre7 ~ Genre fiction and critique.</sub>