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"I'm angry."

Conner flips a page of his magazine.

"Understandable."

I just keep standing there, looking down at him, shaking with each new wave of fury that courses through me like the beginning waves of a terrible coastal storm. Hands balled into fists, tears dripping down my cheeks while I try to pretend they aren't there at all."No, you don't get it. I'm really pissed off."

Flip. "I heard you. It's understandable. I'd be angry, too."

Without thought, I lash out and yank the magazine from his steady hands, ripping it apart and throwing the scattered pieces like jagged snowflakes around the room. "WHY DOES HE DO THINGS LIKE THIS!?" I roar, my chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes wider than they should have been. "A LOVING GOD? REALLY? WHAT SORT OF LOVER MURDERS A PERSON?"

Conner looks up at me, blinks twice, and reaches for an identical magazine in his school bag. "Our God does lots of things we don't understand. In fact, I think it's probably one of the most important things for us to not understand something and be okay with it." Flip, flip, flip. "He loves. He IS love."

And suddenly I feel myself on my knees, hands outstreched to catch myself as I fall, the jolt making my elbows ache. "I don't WANT to be angry.." My eyes shut tight. "I feel so guilty."

"Oh, He knows." Conner replies, frowning at a photograph in the magazine that he must not have particularly liked. "Trust me. He knows already everything you're feeling and thinking. Heck, I'm sure He knew every thought days before you thought it. You're fine."

The fact that Conner is so calm irks me and I feel my hands twitch, fingers curling into fists against the concrete floor. "And that's alright, is it? To be mad at Him?"

"Certainly." He sets down the magazine, displeased with its contents. "You think He can't handle your anger? Ooo," Conner wiggles his fingers, imitating a scary ghost. "Sheila's so scaaary when she's mad! I don't think I can take it! Her puny anger teeerrifies me!"

I watch Conner's face from the floor where I am still knelt in what is quickly becoming a very uncomfortable position to be in.

With a sigh, Conner scoots towards the edge of his seat so that he is closer to me. "Look. It's FINE to be mad. It's FINE to feel all those things that are currently swirling about inside right now. Just don't feel guilty about it. You never know, maybe He shares in some of that anger. He certainly feels it, knows about it, and can take it." Conner smiled, pushing his glasses up with his middle finger where they were sliding down his nose. "Your puny anger isn't so much that it'll crush our Father."

And for the first time in over a month, it feels okay to be upset. It feels alright to be pissed off and sad and unsure of what to say when people ask if I am okay. So with Conner's permission, I crawl towards the couch and bury my face against his knees and cry.

Conner strokes my hair like the friend he is and I let out emotions that feel like several natural disasters at once being unleashed on the world. I wonder if this is what Pandora's Box felt like when all of the bad stuff came rushing out.

But you know what? Once all of the bad stuff is set loose, there's still hope left inside of me.
Something I wrote not too long ago and had intended to leave off dA. But after my most recent journal, I am posting it.

And, yes, this is also inspired by feeling regarding my mother's recent death.
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:iconshabboth:
Critique by Shabboth Shabboth/critique/453270937">Aug 18, 2011, 8:55:37 PM
Hello, and thank you for requesting a critique from :iconlitplease:, my apologies that it has taken this long. I only signed up last week and I'm doing what I can to catch things up.

First, a disclaimer: I do not share your religious views. I do, however, understand them and can evaluate how you've expressed them here. I can also make suggestions for how to better express them. Basically I will do my best to focus solely on the technical and stylistic aspects of the writing without dwelling overly much on the content.

Now, on to the good stuff.

This is a very proficiently written piece of prose. That you managed to write this effectively when there is obviously so much emotion involved for you personally says good things about your skill with words.

Although I don't think much of the star ratings to the side generally, I think a word of explanation might be in order for the ratings I've given you. I've rated you at 4 stars for both vision and technique because it is obvious that you had a clear idea for this piece from the beginning (vision), and because you executed that vision effectively (technique). I've rated you quite low on the originality scale because there are no truly original ideas here. The same themes of questioning both your faith and God's motives have been done many, many times before in much the same manner. That's not to say the piece isn't a good example of those ideas, or that the ideas aren't good, just that the ideas aren't new. I rated you a bit low on impact for a similar reason. The fact that the ideas are unoriginal lessens the impact of the piece for me. It would have been more effective had you found a new angle on the ideas, or a totally new framework in which to put them. Also, please bear in mind that I'm rating your work in comparison with published, professional writing.

In terms of mechanics, I don't see anything that really needs to be changed or improved. I noticed no grammar errors. I liked the way you used italics to give isolated actions some immediacy, and the way you used all caps for the shouting. A very technically proficient piece of writing.

Stylistically, there are a couple of things I'm not sure about.
:bulletblue: "loving" and "lover" share etymology, but have subtly different meaning. A loving God is not your lover. You might be better off re-phrasing that line something like "WHAT KIND OF LOVE INVOLVES MURDER?"
:bulletblue: "with Conner's permission, I crawl" carries undertones of a rather unhealthy dominant/submissive relationship. If this is intentional then I'd suggest you carry it further or make it more apparent. If it is unintentional you may want to look at your word choice there. :)
:bulletblue: The way you've portrayed the Conner character... he comes across as smug, sanctimonious, and a bit of a jerk. I don't think that was the way you wanted him to be viewed. You may want to look for a way to give him a bit more compassion - a more sympathetic/emotional response to your protagonist, for example.

Beyond that, I can't think of anything else to suggest. I hope you find this critique helpful and, once again, sorry for the delay.
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:iconspartan-locke:
spartan-locke Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2011   Traditional Artist
I'm not much of a literary critic, but I love the aspects of this piece that bring one to a state of self contemplation. This was very well written and I like your prose. The emotion you have put behind and into it is mesmerizing and we're glad to have it as part of Christian music Fans. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
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:icondjchocolate-lover:
DJChocolate-Lover Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student General Artist
This is wonderfully done
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
Thank you for the favorite. <3
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:icondjchocolate-lover:
DJChocolate-Lover Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2010  Student General Artist
Not a problem
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:iconkath660:
kath660 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
amen! :D
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:iconangellover89:
AngelLover89 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Student Digital Artist
fantastic. Our God is so AMAZING to be like He is. Our little rages certainly don't crush Him, and He is ready to forgive if we do something stupid in that anger, and ready to cradle us when it wears us out.... etc................
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
God is good all the time! n_n
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:iconiamniquey:
iamniquey Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Student Digital Artist
I have no words. This could help so many people who I know experience the same tragedies time and time again. I'm so glad you shared :)
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
I hope it helps people. <3 And if nothing else, I hope my Testimony can help them if they'd like to stop and ask. And, yanno, listen for two hours because it's kinda lengthy. ._.;
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:iconiamniquey:
iamniquey Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Digital Artist
:D
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:icondoeray-g:
Doeray-G Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
:hug:
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
:heart: :hug: =] Thanks.
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:icondoeray-g:
Doeray-G Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
welcome
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:iconmabela:
mabela Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I have felt the same exact way, except it cause me to not believe in god anymore. I also didn't have anybody to take care of me.

That being said, you did an amazing job describing a feeling many know only too well.
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
I don't know that I really have anybody taking care of me either, but it's mostly because I'm not letting anyone. =/

See, the Conner in this story? There is no real Conner, I made him up. I'm basically battling myself in my head about this and I know God has a plan for this but right now I'm still sort of rebelling and being angry and just lost.

:hug: You need to talk, anytime, feel free to Note me. And sorry for that slight rant. ^^;
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:iconmabela:
mabela Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, well I'm glad to see two people who went through similar things going into opposite direction.

It's why people are amazing. Hold strong.

And thanks for the offer ^^
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2010  Student Writer
<3 =]
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:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010
:hug: I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
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:iconkabiebaby:
KabieBaby Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Student Writer
:hug: Thanks, love.
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:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very good. I have to say that I agree with both you and your friend. This is very moving and you push two sides of a story together and make them get ago even if they don't want to. After saying that this make me picture two children fighting over a toy when the mother takes all the toys away and the kids are focus to play with each other.

Oh human interaction is such a strange and wonderful thing.

Fantastic job!
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